Hi... Me again. I know it has been quite a long time since I last posted, but I'm having some feelings that my boyfriend is either choosing to ignore or just thinks are too silly to address so I thought I'd sort them out here.
I'm finding recently that I am extremely curious to find out what some of the other people I graduated high school with have lined up as far as jobs or further education after Graduation next month. Why I am suddenly comparing myself to them I'm not entirely sure...
When I left my hometown to go to a big fancy top-tier university halfway across the country, I really thought I was the shit. Most of the kids I graduated went to small state schools, and very few went more than a few hours away from home (including my boyfriend). Now that I'm graduating (without a job) and moving back home to live with my high school boyfriend, I'm starting to question what happened to my ambition. What did going so far away to this fancy school really get me? I have no skills. I'm no "better" than they are and I had thought I was all high and mighty and "look at me" but I'm not doing anything special. It's very humbling.
My boyfriend says I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks about what I'm choosing to do after Graduation but I think what it really comes down to is the fact that I care... That I am feeling insecure and almost like I failed, or like I'm giving up, by not having some grander plans after Graduation. I have a vague idea of where I want to get to in my career, but the steps to actually get there seem so difficult.
Do you ever feel like you just want to skip a bunch of steps and have the end product? I really want to work in film, but I have almost zero technical experience. I've taken one documentary film class, made one ten minute crappy short film for the student film festival on campus, and have done lots of networking with documentary filmmakers, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of actually trying to put something together, I'm hopeless.
Case in point: I'm currently working on a documentary interviewing some of the alums from my school and I couldn't even figure out how to make the wireless microphone hook up to record on the camera, so instead of having a small interview mic for them to clip onto their shirt to get really good sound, I had to use the mic on the camera which picks up not only what they are saying, but also everything else... the trucks driving outside, the planes overhead, the dishwasher, etc.
Second case in point: There is a concert coming up and one of the organizers of the concert, knowing of my interest in filmmaking but not having a real gauge of my actual abilities, asked me to shoot some footage of a candle inside a church. I tried to do it and now I've got my footage on the computer and can't figure out how to correct the image enough so that it looks decent. I really don't know what I am doing. It gets all blurry and the flame on the candle isn't blowing so it doesn't even look like a video. It could just as well be a photo. Also, the shot that I chose of all the images I recorded that day doesn't even show you which chapel you are in and I think the whole point was that he wanted you to think about this specific location during the song.
Basically I'm just freaking out and reevaluating my decision. I had convinced myself that this was a good thing - that I should take some time off and go back towards home to slow down a little bit. I figured that being in a smaller location would give me more responsibilities on a project if I found film projects to get involved with, but what do I have to contribute? Nothing! I have nothing at all to contribute because I don't know how to DO anything!!! It makes me really sad because when I was at that church shooting that footage, it was exhilarating. I feel really alive when I'm shooting stuff. I'm just not very good at it yet. I am inexperienced. I need to be a little easier on myself and understand that I am a beginner.
I really really really hope I end up having some talent for this because I really want to be good at it... I start to feel a little despaired when I think about what a long road lies ahead of me and how much time and effort will need to go into it for me to really learn this craft, and I ask myself if I can really hack it.
I will need so much guidance, but why should anyone choose to help me?
There is also the issue of film school. I don't know how hard it is to get in, but I'm sure it isn't easy. I could spend this coming fall researching and applying to different programs, but that means probably taking the GRE and asking professors for recommendations and applying for financial aid and so much and I guess I just felt like when I graduated, it would be like a break almost.. but now I'm realizing that being in college was the break and once you get out is when the real work begins.
I really hope that in ten years I'll be looking back at the way I am feeling right now and think how silly and scared I was. I hope that I don't get too scared to try. I hope that I don't spend my whole life being mediocre. That is one of my greatest fears. There are just so many skills that I need to acquire to do this and I don't know the best way to get them. Maybe the safety net of being a student and getting to take courses on this and having some more time just to focus on learning would be the best option. It's too late to apply to start in the fall, but then there is also the question of what type of degree I want, or if I want a certificate, etc.
And lastly.. there is my boyfriend. If things go really well when we live together at the end of the summer, he'll need to be included in my decision of where to go to school. I'd love to be out near LA or in NY since those are places where I have some contacts with alums from my school and also where there is a lot of activity in film but what if he can't get a job there? What happens then? Neither of us want to do more distance and after living together, that will probably seem inconceivable. I kind of feel like I am making a sacrifice putting my life on hold to come live with him while he finishes school so maybe I should get to pick the next place?
Does anyone even read the junk I write?
Thoughts?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
New York, New York
Hey everyone!
So I realized I haven't actually posted in over a month... Yikes! I apologize for that. I'm sure my millions of readers have been in a constant state of despair...
So right now I'm in New York. I got here on Saturday night and then on Sunday I went to see Avenue Q off-Broadway with a friend and it was so funny! I loved it. The actress who played Kate Monster was so good that I couldn't take my eyes off her, but other than that, it was easy to forget the actors and just watch the puppets. I knew the music to the show already, so I really enjoyed it. There were a few surprises when I actually saw it on stage, though! If you know the show, you'll know what I'm thinking of. Especially the penny part.
I will be in New York until this coming Saturday. I've been up here doing a lot of networking with alums from my university who are in the entertainment and media industries. I had to apply for this opportunity and interview last semester and they selected six of us to come for the week. It's been fun getting to know the other girls and also meeting with everyone.
I do not know New York, so when I try to describe where I've been and what I've been up to, it will not be very precise. Yesterday I started at the Hearst building and it was super cool. I recognized the interior from an episode of Project Runway so that was amazing. The elevators were really bizarre! There was a panel and you would press what floor you were going to and then the panel would display a letter and you would go to the elevator with that number and it would open like magic. There would be no number keys inside the elevator - it just took you to your destination magically. There were also mini tv screens in the elevator!!! They had ads and news and such. Oh, and in my cab today, there was also a little tv screen with advertisements! Crazy. I also thought my cab driver was going to kill us and about ten to twenty pedestrians and several large vehicles, but luckily I am still alive.
After the Hearst meeting I headed over to the Village to meet with a documentary film maker. We spent two and half hours talking shop and got gelato at Grom, quite possibly the most amazing gelato in the world. Here is what I am basing this judgment on. When I was an au pair in Italy two summers ago, I ate a good deal of gelato at quite a few establishments in Rome, Venice, Florence, Sienna, Milan, and Torino, and of all those places, the best gelato I had was at Grom. I know that I did not cover all of Italy, so I'm leaving room for the possibility that somewhere more southern had better gelato. Since I'm assuming the best gelato in the world comes from Italy, and the best gelato in Italy is Grom, Grom has the best gelato in the world. The nice thing about gelato is that you never really get just one flavor. You get two in the cup, so you can have chocolate chip married with strawberry, or strawberry with lemon, or pistachio with chocolate chip, or... oh I'm getting hungry again! The point is, it's amazing. Anyways, the only Grom locations outside of Italy (I believe) are in Paris and in New York City. So I was determined to find a Grom while in New York. I actually just randomly found this one, so it was fate. It cost $5.25 for a small cup in NY compared to about $3 in Italy, but I guess the cost of airfare to Italy to get some is more than $2.25 so I guess I got a good deal! I had chocolate chip and lemon. The lemon was heavenly. Absolutely fantastic!
After my amazing and expensive gelato, I had a couple other meetings and then headed home for the day. I'm staying with the family of a friend from school, and they've been extremely helpful. I watched part of Double Jeopardy on tv and then fell asleep.
At the end of my week, I will write with all the wisdom I've acquired from these networking meetings/informational interviews and tell you what my game plan going for is as far as finding a job. It sounds like it certainly will be difficult to break into documentary film, but not impossible.
Thanks for reading!! :-)
All the best,
Megan
PS Update on the Living in Sin post: I did sign the lease. My boyfriend and I will be living together starting August 1st, so I have a concrete place where I am looking for jobs. Narrowing my search this was has been limiting, but also helpful. I know where I need to start setting up contacts and I have a more refined search process. Still don't have a job, but I also haven't started applying and interviewing. I will let you know when that comes! I feel really good about living together though.
So I realized I haven't actually posted in over a month... Yikes! I apologize for that. I'm sure my millions of readers have been in a constant state of despair...
So right now I'm in New York. I got here on Saturday night and then on Sunday I went to see Avenue Q off-Broadway with a friend and it was so funny! I loved it. The actress who played Kate Monster was so good that I couldn't take my eyes off her, but other than that, it was easy to forget the actors and just watch the puppets. I knew the music to the show already, so I really enjoyed it. There were a few surprises when I actually saw it on stage, though! If you know the show, you'll know what I'm thinking of. Especially the penny part.
I will be in New York until this coming Saturday. I've been up here doing a lot of networking with alums from my university who are in the entertainment and media industries. I had to apply for this opportunity and interview last semester and they selected six of us to come for the week. It's been fun getting to know the other girls and also meeting with everyone.
I do not know New York, so when I try to describe where I've been and what I've been up to, it will not be very precise. Yesterday I started at the Hearst building and it was super cool. I recognized the interior from an episode of Project Runway so that was amazing. The elevators were really bizarre! There was a panel and you would press what floor you were going to and then the panel would display a letter and you would go to the elevator with that number and it would open like magic. There would be no number keys inside the elevator - it just took you to your destination magically. There were also mini tv screens in the elevator!!! They had ads and news and such. Oh, and in my cab today, there was also a little tv screen with advertisements! Crazy. I also thought my cab driver was going to kill us and about ten to twenty pedestrians and several large vehicles, but luckily I am still alive.
After the Hearst meeting I headed over to the Village to meet with a documentary film maker. We spent two and half hours talking shop and got gelato at Grom, quite possibly the most amazing gelato in the world. Here is what I am basing this judgment on. When I was an au pair in Italy two summers ago, I ate a good deal of gelato at quite a few establishments in Rome, Venice, Florence, Sienna, Milan, and Torino, and of all those places, the best gelato I had was at Grom. I know that I did not cover all of Italy, so I'm leaving room for the possibility that somewhere more southern had better gelato. Since I'm assuming the best gelato in the world comes from Italy, and the best gelato in Italy is Grom, Grom has the best gelato in the world. The nice thing about gelato is that you never really get just one flavor. You get two in the cup, so you can have chocolate chip married with strawberry, or strawberry with lemon, or pistachio with chocolate chip, or... oh I'm getting hungry again! The point is, it's amazing. Anyways, the only Grom locations outside of Italy (I believe) are in Paris and in New York City. So I was determined to find a Grom while in New York. I actually just randomly found this one, so it was fate. It cost $5.25 for a small cup in NY compared to about $3 in Italy, but I guess the cost of airfare to Italy to get some is more than $2.25 so I guess I got a good deal! I had chocolate chip and lemon. The lemon was heavenly. Absolutely fantastic!
After my amazing and expensive gelato, I had a couple other meetings and then headed home for the day. I'm staying with the family of a friend from school, and they've been extremely helpful. I watched part of Double Jeopardy on tv and then fell asleep.
At the end of my week, I will write with all the wisdom I've acquired from these networking meetings/informational interviews and tell you what my game plan going for is as far as finding a job. It sounds like it certainly will be difficult to break into documentary film, but not impossible.
Thanks for reading!! :-)
All the best,
Megan
PS Update on the Living in Sin post: I did sign the lease. My boyfriend and I will be living together starting August 1st, so I have a concrete place where I am looking for jobs. Narrowing my search this was has been limiting, but also helpful. I know where I need to start setting up contacts and I have a more refined search process. Still don't have a job, but I also haven't started applying and interviewing. I will let you know when that comes! I feel really good about living together though.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Bucket List Additions
Hello! I just wanted to add a couple of things to my "bucket list" that I apparently scribbled into my planner last semester and forgot about!
75. Hear a Bulgarian "radio" choir live
76. Grow my own food (is this on my other list?)
77. Backpack across Europe with someone I love
78. Live in the minority somewhere
79. Take my mom to Hawaii
80. Learn world geography (it's just sad how bad I am at geography)
81. Meet the President (doesn't have to be this one specifically)
82 - 100. Still open.
So if any of those are multiples, sorry! I'll have to adjust it later.
75. Hear a Bulgarian "radio" choir live
76. Grow my own food (is this on my other list?)
77. Backpack across Europe with someone I love
78. Live in the minority somewhere
79. Take my mom to Hawaii
80. Learn world geography (it's just sad how bad I am at geography)
81. Meet the President (doesn't have to be this one specifically)
82 - 100. Still open.
So if any of those are multiples, sorry! I'll have to adjust it later.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Jobs, Leases, and Living in Sin
So here is an interesting twist to complicate (or uncomplicate perhaps?) my life. My boyfriend and I are looking at apartments in the city where he goes to school. This city is only an hour away from our hometown. It'd be nice to be close to my parents, brother, one of my sisters, and my nephew. Since I've visited my boyfriend many times throughout the past three and half years he's gone to school there, I feel like I know the city. Since it's a university town, it's a very young city. There are lots of things to do, recreational softball leagues I could join, good shopping, good bars, good entertainment, etc. Also, this fall I got really interested in following his school's football team. They had a good season. He even took me to a home game. He thinks he could probably get me season tickets in the student section.
The thing is... I don't know what kind of job I could find in this location. Since I think I'd like to start graduate school for documentary film in the fall of 2011, I'd like to do something which would make me more qualified when I'm applying and help me learn more skills. One thing I was thinking about was trying to work as a production assistant or something for a local television news station, but my mom doesn't think they'd be hiring someone fresh out of college for that. She said people older than me with a lot of experience handle the filming, editing, etc.
So, okay, maybe I wouldn't be able to find a job in the industry I'm interested in. What if I look at this just a gap year, a chance to clear my head and reassess my goals, and take a break from school for awhile before starting grad school? It would be a nice, easy transition since essentially I'd be living the life of a college student (my boyfriend will still be in school - he graduates in December) but going to a job instead of class. I filled out an application on the university's website for employment (it took over an hour! I hate applying for jobs... so tedious and time consuming) in some sort of clerical position. Maybe it wouldn't be the most fulfilling work, but I worked as an office assistant here at my school in the performing arts department. If I could get a job with the theatre arts department there, it would be very interesting! But I'm sure those positions don't open up very often, and if even they did, I don't know if anyone would know now that they will need someone in June.
I know my boyfriend needs to know now if I am planning on coming and living with him because he needs to sign a lease before all the apartments get taken. He also needs to let his current roommate (who also is doing an extra semester) know so that he can start looking for his own housing if he and my boyfriend won't be living together anymore. While the idea of living with him sounds really great, I'm a little hesitant because it might not be the smartest thing for me career-wise. I'm also worried I'll miss an opportunity I might be offered between now and graduation in a field I'm really interested in that could involve working with great people and learning a lot.
I think the most important thing to do is identify what is best for me. I have evaluated my mental and emotional state and think I'm not ready to live abroad by myself right away, so that probably takes teaching English abroad out. I need to be close to people who love me. Going to live with him would achieve that (since he loves me, and I'd be close to my family...except my awesome sister who lives in another place since she's studying to be a doctor and is all awesome and stuff... and happens to read my blog!). I'm not worried that we would break up during the time of the lease since we're always insanely happy when we're together. I think it would be so much fun! Whether or not we will eventually get married, I don't know. I do know, however, that I'm not ready to walk away from this relationship. I really want to give it a chance. I feel like if I don't live with him and try it at some point, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Why not take the time now to do that? Isn't this relationship important too? More important than a career? Who knows?
Well, apart from me not being able to find a job in the city he goes to school, there is one more major road block: His conservative, religious parents. They don't want us living together before marriage. Unfortunately for them, I refuse to marry someone without living with them first. We're sort of waging war through Greg. He seems to think his mom might be receptive to at least talking about it, but he is really worried about upsetting them and straining his relationship with them by living with me against their wishes. Since he is still very financially dependent on them, this is a legitimate concern. He also loves his parents and doesn't want a bad relationship with them for that reason alone.
I'm not sure how all this is going to work out, but I will keep trying on different scenarios and seeing how they feel. This one feels pretty okay. While I'm worried about closing myself off to other opportunities in other locations that I might find, it would be nice to know sooner rather than later what I'm doing after Graduation so I can relax a little and enjoy my last semester without stressing about finding a job, etc. I just need to make sure that after the year is up, I'm taking the next step towards my career which is furthering my education by going to grad school. I want to make sure it's in a location I really like, too, and that I'm not signing up for staying so close to home for the rest of my life. I'm hoping he would try to find a job where I want to go next if I am coming to live with him now.
What do you think? Do you know what you are doing when you graduate?
The thing is... I don't know what kind of job I could find in this location. Since I think I'd like to start graduate school for documentary film in the fall of 2011, I'd like to do something which would make me more qualified when I'm applying and help me learn more skills. One thing I was thinking about was trying to work as a production assistant or something for a local television news station, but my mom doesn't think they'd be hiring someone fresh out of college for that. She said people older than me with a lot of experience handle the filming, editing, etc.
So, okay, maybe I wouldn't be able to find a job in the industry I'm interested in. What if I look at this just a gap year, a chance to clear my head and reassess my goals, and take a break from school for awhile before starting grad school? It would be a nice, easy transition since essentially I'd be living the life of a college student (my boyfriend will still be in school - he graduates in December) but going to a job instead of class. I filled out an application on the university's website for employment (it took over an hour! I hate applying for jobs... so tedious and time consuming) in some sort of clerical position. Maybe it wouldn't be the most fulfilling work, but I worked as an office assistant here at my school in the performing arts department. If I could get a job with the theatre arts department there, it would be very interesting! But I'm sure those positions don't open up very often, and if even they did, I don't know if anyone would know now that they will need someone in June.
I know my boyfriend needs to know now if I am planning on coming and living with him because he needs to sign a lease before all the apartments get taken. He also needs to let his current roommate (who also is doing an extra semester) know so that he can start looking for his own housing if he and my boyfriend won't be living together anymore. While the idea of living with him sounds really great, I'm a little hesitant because it might not be the smartest thing for me career-wise. I'm also worried I'll miss an opportunity I might be offered between now and graduation in a field I'm really interested in that could involve working with great people and learning a lot.
I think the most important thing to do is identify what is best for me. I have evaluated my mental and emotional state and think I'm not ready to live abroad by myself right away, so that probably takes teaching English abroad out. I need to be close to people who love me. Going to live with him would achieve that (since he loves me, and I'd be close to my family...except my awesome sister who lives in another place since she's studying to be a doctor and is all awesome and stuff... and happens to read my blog!). I'm not worried that we would break up during the time of the lease since we're always insanely happy when we're together. I think it would be so much fun! Whether or not we will eventually get married, I don't know. I do know, however, that I'm not ready to walk away from this relationship. I really want to give it a chance. I feel like if I don't live with him and try it at some point, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Why not take the time now to do that? Isn't this relationship important too? More important than a career? Who knows?
Well, apart from me not being able to find a job in the city he goes to school, there is one more major road block: His conservative, religious parents. They don't want us living together before marriage. Unfortunately for them, I refuse to marry someone without living with them first. We're sort of waging war through Greg. He seems to think his mom might be receptive to at least talking about it, but he is really worried about upsetting them and straining his relationship with them by living with me against their wishes. Since he is still very financially dependent on them, this is a legitimate concern. He also loves his parents and doesn't want a bad relationship with them for that reason alone.
I'm not sure how all this is going to work out, but I will keep trying on different scenarios and seeing how they feel. This one feels pretty okay. While I'm worried about closing myself off to other opportunities in other locations that I might find, it would be nice to know sooner rather than later what I'm doing after Graduation so I can relax a little and enjoy my last semester without stressing about finding a job, etc. I just need to make sure that after the year is up, I'm taking the next step towards my career which is furthering my education by going to grad school. I want to make sure it's in a location I really like, too, and that I'm not signing up for staying so close to home for the rest of my life. I'm hoping he would try to find a job where I want to go next if I am coming to live with him now.
What do you think? Do you know what you are doing when you graduate?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Anxiety, Graduate School, and "The Future"
So, I haven't really been succeeding at posting everyday, and I apologize for that. I don't think I really have any readers, so I probably didn't disappoint many people.
I have made the decision to start therapy again. I've been in therapy on and off since early in my college career, but the stress of the upcoming life decisions I'll be making is really weighing on me. I have to tell you I feel anxious all the time. It catches me at the most odd moments, too. My boyfriend and I will be buying milk at the grocery store and all of a sudden my heart starts racing and my chest tightens up. People tell me that this is normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I really wish I'd given more thought to what I'd like to do after I graduate a little bit sooner... I started mulling over the idea of a career in documentary film about mid-semester last semester and started speaking with people about what that might look like. I am taking a class now where I will actually get to make a documentary, so it will definitely be exciting to learn the technical sides of film making. As an Anthropology major and Performing Arts minor, I think this sounds like an interesting way to bring together all my interests (I may have mentioned this in the first post). Anyways, now I'm freaking out, thinking maybe I should have applied to graduate school for documentary film making for the fall. I mean, I have basically NO experience! How am I supposed to try to get funding and work as a film maker? But alas when I, instead of doing my reading for my History discussion section tomorrow afternoon over 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus, looked at application deadlines for the fall, they all have passed.
I do have a couple things I'm pursuing, such as teaching English abroad or being an au pair, but neither have yielded a concrete job offer yet. It's so difficult because there is part of me that still doesn't know what I want. I change my mind so frequently that who knows if come May I'll still want to go abroad? Maybe I'll want to go home to the Midwest and spend some time with my family. Maybe I will go to New York and work as a production assistant to learn the ropes of film making without going to film school.
I've also got this boyfriend... We've been together for almost six years. It's been a long-distance relationship for all but about a year. When I was in high school, I went to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, thus starting the trials of separation. Then I chose to go to college halfway across the country while he stayed within an hour of our hometown. Both are good schools, and both are choices we had to make on our own. Somehow we've stayed together. I love him and he is wonderful, but I've always told myself that I will not base my life decisions around him when I am so young and need to explore and find my own path. Well, he has an extra semester of school. I graduate in May. He graduates in December. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? What if I find a career and set myself up somewhere and he then wants me to move to be with him?
I still can't believe I'm almost done with my time at **** University. When it's May and I am graduating, I promise to tell you where I'm graduating from! You'll just have to wait in suspense until then unless you are a masterful stalker and can somehow piece it all together. I don't think I've given away where I live yet, but that'll probably happen eventually. I feel like there is so much more I could've done here. My GPA is 3.38.... I know I could've done so much better! It's frustrating because my grades have been steadily improving since I was a scared young freshman who hadn't really learned how to skim and didn't always get the reading done.
The thing I'm going to miss the most is the girls I live with. Three of them I've been living with since freshman year. They are as close to me as sisters and it breaks my heart to think that we won't be together in June. Maybe we'll keep in touch, but it won't be the same. When we talk, we'll just be updating each other on our lives instead of being part of each others lives. I'll miss the day to day of Sara coming into my room to sit on the end of my bed while I procrastinate and we talk about nothing, giggling over stupid things. Or flipping channels with Heidi, probably settling on something silly, like Ace of Cakes or Say Yes to the Dress. Or seeing Lauren light up when she comes home from a great date. Or trying to convince Jacqui to put on pants when she walks around the house! Haha
To summarize, here are the major things stressing me out right now.
1. The knowledge that in May, I need to have a job, health insurance, somewhere to live, etc.
2. What is going to happen with my relationship with my boyfriend?
3. What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
4. What will it be like to not be with these girls anymore?
Do you have any advice for me? Is anything stressing you out that you'd like to vent about?
Please leave comments - I do moderate them, but I promise I'll approve anything that isn't terribly offensive or hurtful to anyone.
Hears to hoping we all find our own paths and happiness,
Megan
I have made the decision to start therapy again. I've been in therapy on and off since early in my college career, but the stress of the upcoming life decisions I'll be making is really weighing on me. I have to tell you I feel anxious all the time. It catches me at the most odd moments, too. My boyfriend and I will be buying milk at the grocery store and all of a sudden my heart starts racing and my chest tightens up. People tell me that this is normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I really wish I'd given more thought to what I'd like to do after I graduate a little bit sooner... I started mulling over the idea of a career in documentary film about mid-semester last semester and started speaking with people about what that might look like. I am taking a class now where I will actually get to make a documentary, so it will definitely be exciting to learn the technical sides of film making. As an Anthropology major and Performing Arts minor, I think this sounds like an interesting way to bring together all my interests (I may have mentioned this in the first post). Anyways, now I'm freaking out, thinking maybe I should have applied to graduate school for documentary film making for the fall. I mean, I have basically NO experience! How am I supposed to try to get funding and work as a film maker? But alas when I, instead of doing my reading for my History discussion section tomorrow afternoon over 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus, looked at application deadlines for the fall, they all have passed.
I do have a couple things I'm pursuing, such as teaching English abroad or being an au pair, but neither have yielded a concrete job offer yet. It's so difficult because there is part of me that still doesn't know what I want. I change my mind so frequently that who knows if come May I'll still want to go abroad? Maybe I'll want to go home to the Midwest and spend some time with my family. Maybe I will go to New York and work as a production assistant to learn the ropes of film making without going to film school.
I've also got this boyfriend... We've been together for almost six years. It's been a long-distance relationship for all but about a year. When I was in high school, I went to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, thus starting the trials of separation. Then I chose to go to college halfway across the country while he stayed within an hour of our hometown. Both are good schools, and both are choices we had to make on our own. Somehow we've stayed together. I love him and he is wonderful, but I've always told myself that I will not base my life decisions around him when I am so young and need to explore and find my own path. Well, he has an extra semester of school. I graduate in May. He graduates in December. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? What if I find a career and set myself up somewhere and he then wants me to move to be with him?
I still can't believe I'm almost done with my time at **** University. When it's May and I am graduating, I promise to tell you where I'm graduating from! You'll just have to wait in suspense until then unless you are a masterful stalker and can somehow piece it all together. I don't think I've given away where I live yet, but that'll probably happen eventually. I feel like there is so much more I could've done here. My GPA is 3.38.... I know I could've done so much better! It's frustrating because my grades have been steadily improving since I was a scared young freshman who hadn't really learned how to skim and didn't always get the reading done.
The thing I'm going to miss the most is the girls I live with. Three of them I've been living with since freshman year. They are as close to me as sisters and it breaks my heart to think that we won't be together in June. Maybe we'll keep in touch, but it won't be the same. When we talk, we'll just be updating each other on our lives instead of being part of each others lives. I'll miss the day to day of Sara coming into my room to sit on the end of my bed while I procrastinate and we talk about nothing, giggling over stupid things. Or flipping channels with Heidi, probably settling on something silly, like Ace of Cakes or Say Yes to the Dress. Or seeing Lauren light up when she comes home from a great date. Or trying to convince Jacqui to put on pants when she walks around the house! Haha
To summarize, here are the major things stressing me out right now.
1. The knowledge that in May, I need to have a job, health insurance, somewhere to live, etc.
2. What is going to happen with my relationship with my boyfriend?
3. What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
4. What will it be like to not be with these girls anymore?
Do you have any advice for me? Is anything stressing you out that you'd like to vent about?
Please leave comments - I do moderate them, but I promise I'll approve anything that isn't terribly offensive or hurtful to anyone.
Hears to hoping we all find our own paths and happiness,
Megan
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Bucket List
I really wasn't feeling like doing my French homework last night, so I was up until 2 am working on my "Bucket List" (You know, the things you want to do before you kick the bucket?). I decided to stop at 74 because I'm still young and might have some things I want to add as I get older. I'd like to have 100 on it.
1. Ride the baggage carousel
2. Learn to break dance
3. Break dance on the New York Subway
4. Play guitar and sing outdoors with my guitar case open for "tips"
5. Be on a game show
6. Act on Broadway
7. Learn a martial art
8. Run a 5K
9. Record a CD of at least 10 entirely original songs
10. Host Saturday Night Live
11. Speak at Commencement at **** University
12. Make a movie
13. See the Northern Lights
14. Visit every continent
15. Try fencing
16. Become fluent in French
17. Learn conversational Spanish
18. Learn to play the piano
19. Master guitar playing
20. Be in a band
21. Sing a solo with a gospel choir
22. Star in a musical
23. Learn to ballroom dance
24. Ride in a hot air balloon
25. Swim with dolphins
26. Be an extra in a movie
27. Write a novel
28. Host a foreign exchange student
29. Shower in a waterfall
30. Experience weightlessness
31. Grow a garden
32. Scuba dive in Australia's Great Barrier Reef
33. Visit an active volcano
34. Attend a soccer game of two South American rival teams
35. Write a travel book
36. Have a food fight
37. Get married
38. Witness someone giving birth
39. Save someone's life
40. Go to the filming of a tv show
41. Visit Neuschwanstein castle
42. Crowd surf
43. Learn to do something artistic
44. Visit the pyramids
45. Teach someone something they've always wanted to be able to do
46. Organize a "spontaneous" dance party in a public place for unsuspecting bystanders
47. Have a body I'm proud of
48. Really believe that it doesn't matter what I look like, but who I am inside
49. Go on an African safari
50. Visit the Taj Mahal
51. Learn to do (and do) a figure skating loop jump
52. Water ski
53. Work a job I love
54. Visit Machu pitchu
55. Go to Carnival in Rio
56. Visit a concentration camp and never forget
57. Travel Greece
58. Learn world geography
59. Have a spontaneous jam session with a stranger on the street in a foreign country
60. Be truly happy with myself and my life
61. Have a star named after me and be able to locate it in the sky
62. Love someone completely, deeply, unselfishly, and without agenda
63. Start at scholarship at **** University in ****'s name
64. Finish all my assignments for class one week before they are due
65. Voice a Disney princess
66. Learn to do Yoga
67. Have an honest, open, face-to-face conversation with someone who broke my heart
68. Vacation at a nude beach
69. Spend a year of my life doing nothing but what I want to do
70. Set a world record
71. Live off the land for a month
72. Dance with Ellen DeGeneres
73. Forgive my parents for being human
74. Buy a one-way ticket and travel without an itinerary
75-100. ???
What's on YOUR list?
Peace,
Megan
1. Ride the baggage carousel
2. Learn to break dance
3. Break dance on the New York Subway
4. Play guitar and sing outdoors with my guitar case open for "tips"
5. Be on a game show
6. Act on Broadway
7. Learn a martial art
8. Run a 5K
9. Record a CD of at least 10 entirely original songs
10. Host Saturday Night Live
11. Speak at Commencement at **** University
12. Make a movie
13. See the Northern Lights
14. Visit every continent
15. Try fencing
16. Become fluent in French
17. Learn conversational Spanish
18. Learn to play the piano
19. Master guitar playing
20. Be in a band
21. Sing a solo with a gospel choir
22. Star in a musical
23. Learn to ballroom dance
24. Ride in a hot air balloon
25. Swim with dolphins
26. Be an extra in a movie
27. Write a novel
28. Host a foreign exchange student
29. Shower in a waterfall
30. Experience weightlessness
31. Grow a garden
32. Scuba dive in Australia's Great Barrier Reef
33. Visit an active volcano
34. Attend a soccer game of two South American rival teams
35. Write a travel book
36. Have a food fight
37. Get married
38. Witness someone giving birth
39. Save someone's life
40. Go to the filming of a tv show
41. Visit Neuschwanstein castle
42. Crowd surf
43. Learn to do something artistic
44. Visit the pyramids
45. Teach someone something they've always wanted to be able to do
46. Organize a "spontaneous" dance party in a public place for unsuspecting bystanders
47. Have a body I'm proud of
48. Really believe that it doesn't matter what I look like, but who I am inside
49. Go on an African safari
50. Visit the Taj Mahal
51. Learn to do (and do) a figure skating loop jump
52. Water ski
53. Work a job I love
54. Visit Machu pitchu
55. Go to Carnival in Rio
56. Visit a concentration camp and never forget
57. Travel Greece
58. Learn world geography
59. Have a spontaneous jam session with a stranger on the street in a foreign country
60. Be truly happy with myself and my life
61. Have a star named after me and be able to locate it in the sky
62. Love someone completely, deeply, unselfishly, and without agenda
63. Start at scholarship at **** University in ****'s name
64. Finish all my assignments for class one week before they are due
65. Voice a Disney princess
66. Learn to do Yoga
67. Have an honest, open, face-to-face conversation with someone who broke my heart
68. Vacation at a nude beach
69. Spend a year of my life doing nothing but what I want to do
70. Set a world record
71. Live off the land for a month
72. Dance with Ellen DeGeneres
73. Forgive my parents for being human
74. Buy a one-way ticket and travel without an itinerary
75-100. ???
What's on YOUR list?
Peace,
Megan
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Introductions
Hi World Wide Web. This first post will just be a chance for us to get to know each other. The first thing you need to know about me is that I am starting my second semester of my senior year of college. I want to use this blog as a place to release my stress over the whole "deciding what I'm going to do with the rest of my life" thing. Since I've been spending a lot of the time at the Career Education Center on campus, I've perfected my "Elevator Speech", so here it goes!
Hello. My name is Megan **** and I'm a senior Anthropology Major at **** University (Got to be somewhat anonymous). During my college career, I have served as the Publicity Director for several on-campus student theater productions as well as acted in several plays. I am currently serving as the Publicity Director for the **** Film Festival on campus, working to actively recruit student film makers for the event. I would like to combine my background in Anthropology and the arts to work as a documentary film maker. I recently had the chance to help assemble press packets and work on publicity for a documentary world premiering at the Sundance Film Festival this month and I look forward to learning more about this exciting field.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Saturday night. I woke up around 11:30 am this morning and then spent the entire day doing two things: Watching back-to-back-to-back movies on HBO and playing guitar. Poorly. See, I've always had this secret (well, not too secret to anyone who knows me) dream of being a rockstar. After obsessively internet stalking Taylor Swift for about a year, I finally bought a guitar last summer. She's beautiful. I named her Julia. Only problem is, I don't really know how to play her. Aside from five Taylor Swift songs and half of a Shania Twain song, I've got nothing. I made it a New Years Resolution to try to play some on-campus open mic nights at this coffee shop which hosts them, and maybe even create a MySpace page to put videos up, but so far that hasn't happened.
I'm so stressed about graduating. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that while I'm considering documentary film making, I'm not really sure what I am going to be doing come June 1st. I've applied to teach English in Japan for a year, and I've got a profile up online looking for jobs as an au pair (nanny), but I don't really know what I want to be doing right away. Last semester I was at the Career Education Center every week trying to prepare to job hunt. Now that I've started hunting, it looks fairly bleak.
No matter how well-meaning they are, whenever friends and family ask what I'm doing when I graduate, I kind of want to kick them. Not hard. Just a little tiny kick in the shins. Then there is the inevitable question: What does one do with an Anthropology major? And then they ask about whether or not I want to work in a museum (no), study tribes in New Guinea (no), or dig up bones (no.... and that's Archeology, thank you...). So what do I want to do? Well, since I think being a rockstar is probably out, I've got to work on that one...
What do YOU want to do?
Peace,
Megan
Hello. My name is Megan **** and I'm a senior Anthropology Major at **** University (Got to be somewhat anonymous). During my college career, I have served as the Publicity Director for several on-campus student theater productions as well as acted in several plays. I am currently serving as the Publicity Director for the **** Film Festival on campus, working to actively recruit student film makers for the event. I would like to combine my background in Anthropology and the arts to work as a documentary film maker. I recently had the chance to help assemble press packets and work on publicity for a documentary world premiering at the Sundance Film Festival this month and I look forward to learning more about this exciting field.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Saturday night. I woke up around 11:30 am this morning and then spent the entire day doing two things: Watching back-to-back-to-back movies on HBO and playing guitar. Poorly. See, I've always had this secret (well, not too secret to anyone who knows me) dream of being a rockstar. After obsessively internet stalking Taylor Swift for about a year, I finally bought a guitar last summer. She's beautiful. I named her Julia. Only problem is, I don't really know how to play her. Aside from five Taylor Swift songs and half of a Shania Twain song, I've got nothing. I made it a New Years Resolution to try to play some on-campus open mic nights at this coffee shop which hosts them, and maybe even create a MySpace page to put videos up, but so far that hasn't happened.
I'm so stressed about graduating. I think a lot of it comes from the fact that while I'm considering documentary film making, I'm not really sure what I am going to be doing come June 1st. I've applied to teach English in Japan for a year, and I've got a profile up online looking for jobs as an au pair (nanny), but I don't really know what I want to be doing right away. Last semester I was at the Career Education Center every week trying to prepare to job hunt. Now that I've started hunting, it looks fairly bleak.
No matter how well-meaning they are, whenever friends and family ask what I'm doing when I graduate, I kind of want to kick them. Not hard. Just a little tiny kick in the shins. Then there is the inevitable question: What does one do with an Anthropology major? And then they ask about whether or not I want to work in a museum (no), study tribes in New Guinea (no), or dig up bones (no.... and that's Archeology, thank you...). So what do I want to do? Well, since I think being a rockstar is probably out, I've got to work on that one...
What do YOU want to do?
Peace,
Megan
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