Anxiety, Graduate School, and "The Future"

So, I haven't really been succeeding at posting everyday, and I apologize for that. I don't think I really have any readers, so I probably didn't disappoint many people.

I have made the decision to start therapy again. I've been in therapy on and off since early in my college career, but the stress of the upcoming life decisions I'll be making is really weighing on me. I have to tell you I feel anxious all the time. It catches me at the most odd moments, too. My boyfriend and I will be buying milk at the grocery store and all of a sudden my heart starts racing and my chest tightens up. People tell me that this is normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I really wish I'd given more thought to what I'd like to do after I graduate a little bit sooner... I started mulling over the idea of a career in documentary film about mid-semester last semester and started speaking with people about what that might look like. I am taking a class now where I will actually get to make a documentary, so it will definitely be exciting to learn the technical sides of film making. As an Anthropology major and Performing Arts minor, I think this sounds like an interesting way to bring together all my interests (I may have mentioned this in the first post). Anyways, now I'm freaking out, thinking maybe I should have applied to graduate school for documentary film making for the fall. I mean, I have basically NO experience! How am I supposed to try to get funding and work as a film maker? But alas when I, instead of doing my reading for my History discussion section tomorrow afternoon over 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus, looked at application deadlines for the fall, they all have passed.

I do have a couple things I'm pursuing, such as teaching English abroad or being an au pair, but neither have yielded a concrete job offer yet. It's so difficult because there is part of me that still doesn't know what I want. I change my mind so frequently that who knows if come May I'll still want to go abroad? Maybe I'll want to go home to the Midwest and spend some time with my family. Maybe I will go to New York and work as a production assistant to learn the ropes of film making without going to film school.

I've also got this boyfriend... We've been together for almost six years. It's been a long-distance relationship for all but about a year. When I was in high school, I went to Sweden as a foreign exchange student, thus starting the trials of separation. Then I chose to go to college halfway across the country while he stayed within an hour of our hometown. Both are good schools, and both are choices we had to make on our own. Somehow we've stayed together. I love him and he is wonderful, but I've always told myself that I will not base my life decisions around him when I am so young and need to explore and find my own path. Well, he has an extra semester of school. I graduate in May. He graduates in December. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? What if I find a career and set myself up somewhere and he then wants me to move to be with him?

I still can't believe I'm almost done with my time at **** University. When it's May and I am graduating, I promise to tell you where I'm graduating from! You'll just have to wait in suspense until then unless you are a masterful stalker and can somehow piece it all together. I don't think I've given away where I live yet, but that'll probably happen eventually. I feel like there is so much more I could've done here. My GPA is 3.38.... I know I could've done so much better! It's frustrating because my grades have been steadily improving since I was a scared young freshman who hadn't really learned how to skim and didn't always get the reading done.

The thing I'm going to miss the most is the girls I live with. Three of them I've been living with since freshman year. They are as close to me as sisters and it breaks my heart to think that we won't be together in June. Maybe we'll keep in touch, but it won't be the same. When we talk, we'll just be updating each other on our lives instead of being part of each others lives. I'll miss the day to day of Sara coming into my room to sit on the end of my bed while I procrastinate and we talk about nothing, giggling over stupid things. Or flipping channels with Heidi, probably settling on something silly, like Ace of Cakes or Say Yes to the Dress. Or seeing Lauren light up when she comes home from a great date. Or trying to convince Jacqui to put on pants when she walks around the house! Haha

To summarize, here are the major things stressing me out right now.
1. The knowledge that in May, I need to have a job, health insurance, somewhere to live, etc.
2. What is going to happen with my relationship with my boyfriend?
3. What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
4. What will it be like to not be with these girls anymore?

Do you have any advice for me? Is anything stressing you out that you'd like to vent about?

Please leave comments - I do moderate them, but I promise I'll approve anything that isn't terribly offensive or hurtful to anyone.

Hears to hoping we all find our own paths and happiness,
Megan