Insecurities

Hi... Me again. I know it has been quite a long time since I last posted, but I'm having some feelings that my boyfriend is either choosing to ignore or just thinks are too silly to address so I thought I'd sort them out here.

I'm finding recently that I am extremely curious to find out what some of the other people I graduated high school with have lined up as far as jobs or further education after Graduation next month. Why I am suddenly comparing myself to them I'm not entirely sure...

When I left my hometown to go to a big fancy top-tier university halfway across the country, I really thought I was the shit. Most of the kids I graduated went to small state schools, and very few went more than a few hours away from home (including my boyfriend). Now that I'm graduating (without a job) and moving back home to live with my high school boyfriend, I'm starting to question what happened to my ambition. What did going so far away to this fancy school really get me? I have no skills. I'm no "better" than they are and I had thought I was all high and mighty and "look at me" but I'm not doing anything special. It's very humbling.

My boyfriend says I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks about what I'm choosing to do after Graduation but I think what it really comes down to is the fact that I care... That I am feeling insecure and almost like I failed, or like I'm giving up, by not having some grander plans after Graduation. I have a vague idea of where I want to get to in my career, but the steps to actually get there seem so difficult.

Do you ever feel like you just want to skip a bunch of steps and have the end product? I really want to work in film, but I have almost zero technical experience. I've taken one documentary film class, made one ten minute crappy short film for the student film festival on campus, and have done lots of networking with documentary filmmakers, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of actually trying to put something together, I'm hopeless.

Case in point: I'm currently working on a documentary interviewing some of the alums from my school and I couldn't even figure out how to make the wireless microphone hook up to record on the camera, so instead of having a small interview mic for them to clip onto their shirt to get really good sound, I had to use the mic on the camera which picks up not only what they are saying, but also everything else... the trucks driving outside, the planes overhead, the dishwasher, etc.

Second case in point: There is a concert coming up and one of the organizers of the concert, knowing of my interest in filmmaking but not having a real gauge of my actual abilities, asked me to shoot some footage of a candle inside a church. I tried to do it and now I've got my footage on the computer and can't figure out how to correct the image enough so that it looks decent. I really don't know what I am doing. It gets all blurry and the flame on the candle isn't blowing so it doesn't even look like a video. It could just as well be a photo. Also, the shot that I chose of all the images I recorded that day doesn't even show you which chapel you are in and I think the whole point was that he wanted you to think about this specific location during the song.

Basically I'm just freaking out and reevaluating my decision. I had convinced myself that this was a good thing - that I should take some time off and go back towards home to slow down a little bit. I figured that being in a smaller location would give me more responsibilities on a project if I found film projects to get involved with, but what do I have to contribute? Nothing! I have nothing at all to contribute because I don't know how to DO anything!!! It makes me really sad because when I was at that church shooting that footage, it was exhilarating. I feel really alive when I'm shooting stuff. I'm just not very good at it yet. I am inexperienced. I need to be a little easier on myself and understand that I am a beginner.

I really really really hope I end up having some talent for this because I really want to be good at it... I start to feel a little despaired when I think about what a long road lies ahead of me and how much time and effort will need to go into it for me to really learn this craft, and I ask myself if I can really hack it.

I will need so much guidance, but why should anyone choose to help me?

There is also the issue of film school. I don't know how hard it is to get in, but I'm sure it isn't easy. I could spend this coming fall researching and applying to different programs, but that means probably taking the GRE and asking professors for recommendations and applying for financial aid and so much and I guess I just felt like when I graduated, it would be like a break almost.. but now I'm realizing that being in college was the break and once you get out is when the real work begins.

I really hope that in ten years I'll be looking back at the way I am feeling right now and think how silly and scared I was. I hope that I don't get too scared to try. I hope that I don't spend my whole life being mediocre. That is one of my greatest fears. There are just so many skills that I need to acquire to do this and I don't know the best way to get them. Maybe the safety net of being a student and getting to take courses on this and having some more time just to focus on learning would be the best option. It's too late to apply to start in the fall, but then there is also the question of what type of degree I want, or if I want a certificate, etc.

And lastly.. there is my boyfriend. If things go really well when we live together at the end of the summer, he'll need to be included in my decision of where to go to school. I'd love to be out near LA or in NY since those are places where I have some contacts with alums from my school and also where there is a lot of activity in film but what if he can't get a job there? What happens then? Neither of us want to do more distance and after living together, that will probably seem inconceivable. I kind of feel like I am making a sacrifice putting my life on hold to come live with him while he finishes school so maybe I should get to pick the next place?

Does anyone even read the junk I write?

Thoughts?